In my previous episodes I talked about Finances and Communication. Today, I am going to discuss Sexual Intimacy. I will break this topic down into 5 sections: Sexual Ideology, Sexual Compatibility, Sexual Frequency, Sexual manipulation, and Non permissible Sexual Acts

I know many people have their own personal views and beliefs about sexual intimacy in the marriage. Some of those views are biblical, and some are not. But just to make sure you know what the Bible says, I am going only discuss what is in the Bible.

Let me just lay the ground work here for a moment. First, this topic is only for Christian couples who are engaged in heterosexual monogamous marriage to someone of the same Christian faith. If you do not fall within this category, you can learn from this teaching, but it will be hard for you to abide by this teaching because you or your partner have not made a commitment to follow Christ and obey God’s

Holy Word. Second, this is a good topic for Christian couples who are engaged to be married. Sometimes couples do not discuss these things prior to marriage, and then once they say “I DO” then they become sexually frustrated. So, to help you avoid becoming frustrated, you and your future partner should listen to this podcast.

I. Sexual Ideology

What is your sexual ideology? Sexual ideologies come from the family or from personal experiences. Ether you think sex is good, or you think sex is bad.

The Bible says sexual activity outside hetero-monogamous marriage is bad. This includes, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and now virtual reality.

Any sexual activity done within the bonds of marriage is GOOD. Hebrews 13:4 states “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

I think that the reason why many Christians struggle with the belief that sex is good, is because as they were growing up, they were taught to abstain from sex, and taught that sex is a sin. However, what they should have been taught is that fornication is a sin, and not sex itself. (I mean if sex was a sin, then YOU would not be here!) If you are a person who struggles with the belief that sex is good, and you believe that sex is bad, then I would challenge you to retrain your brain and line it up with the word of God, and say fornication is bad rather than saying sex is bad.

II. Sexual Compatibility

Now that we have dealt with sexual ideologies, lets move into sexual compatibility. It is my hope that both individuals are virgins when they get married. But the reality is that some of you are not. You might be a virgin, but your spouse is not, or neither of you are virgins. So whatever the case may be, we still have to address sexual compatibility. What do I mean by sexual compatibility? I mean Libido.

Some of you have a high sex drive, and some of you may have a low sex drive. It is best that both of you understand the sacrifices that you will need to make in order to comply with Holy Scripture. The Bible says:

  1 Corinthians 7:7-9 I wish that all men were as I am (single). But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.  Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. VERSE 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

The key is verse 9. When a person gets married, they should not have the need to control their sexual desires. This is why people get married. In fact, one of the main reason why God created marriage was to prevent mankind from committing the sin of fornication. So, if you have a high libido, then you should not be made to feel bad about it. As long as you are acting within the confines of marriage, you are ok. But the trouble arises when a person with a high libido marries a person with a low libido. What are they to do? Well, thankfully the Bible has an answer for that. 1 Corinthian 7:5, says:

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

 The rule of a Christian marriage is clear: You NEVER deprive your spouse of sexual intimacy UNLESS it is agreed upon for a LIMITED time. Notice at the end of that verse it says “so that Satan does not tempt you.” See, if you deprive your spouse of their conjugal marriage rights, did you know that you will open a door for Satan to push your spouse into adultery? Did you also know that depriving your spouse of their conjugal rights in many instances is a legal ground for a Biblical divorce?

 In fact, in the US, legally it is called either alienation of affection or constructive abandonment. These are legal grounds for divorce because by law Marriage, as set forth in legal precedent, implies that there will be sex.  Thus, to withhold sex is considered a divorceable offense. Mover, If one partner refuses to seek therapy or medication to help with the issue and it can be proven that the other spouse encouraged this type of healing, the case likely could be considered for an at-fault divorce. So, it is VITAL that you guys do not play games with sexual intimacy.

Now what if you both are virgins? How do you know if you have a high libido or a low libido? Well, this is when you need to talk to your parents.  I encourage the male partner to talk with the bride’s father about his sexual ideology and his experiences with his wife, because the daughter will mimic one of the parents’ ideology and appetite. It is hard to say which one. But if both parents share the same ideology, then it is safe to say that the daughter will also share the same.  Now, if you are the bride, and you feel comfortable talking about sex with your groom’s mother, then for it. Albeit, it may be awkward. Regardless, I encourage open dialogue with parents regarding their sexual ideologies and behavior.  But I will warn you that many of your parents may have a non-biblical ideology, so you should be careful not to apply their ideologies if it is contrary to the Word of God. 

III. Sexual Frequency

How often should couples have sex. According to the New York Times research, couples over 30 have intercourse and average of 58 times a year. That’s about 1 or twice a week.  Couples under 30 have intercourse about 111 times a year.  It is estimated that about 16 percent of married couples have not engaged in sexual intercourse in over 6 months to a year.

So, how often should couples engage in sexual intimacy? According to research a healthy couple with healthy sexual ideologies should engage in sexual intimacy at least 3 to 4 times a month.  If your marriage is engaging in sexual intimacy less than 3 to 4 times a month, then you are in a sex starved marriage.  Now let me add, that if you both agreed to behave this way, then you are ok. There are some couples who do not mind going without sex– but this should be an agreement made between you and your spouse.  But if I were to ask your spouse how he or she felt about their sex life, and if they are not satisfied, then guess what? YOU ARE IN A SEX STARVED MARRIAGE!

If you are in a sex starve marriage, we now have to address some issues as to why you two are not engaged in sexual intimacy more.

1. Is it because one or both of you are disobeying the word of God 1 Corinthians 7:5? If so, you need to repent and submit yourselves to the word of God!
2. Is it because of a medical issue? If that is the case, then because the marriage bed is undefiled, would it be too much to ask that you engage in manual pleasuring your spouse?

3. Is it because your spouse is overworked, and feels drained? Ok… Let’s dwell on this one for a minute. This is the most common reason I here for why many marriages are sex starved. In this instance there are numerous scenarios at play. One or both spouses are working a full time job, or one is talking care of the child-rearing while the other is working. Let’s be honest, If you have a full time job where you have worked all day, sexual intimacy is the last thing on your mind. You are thinking about getting some dinner and unwinding from a hard day work. If you are a full time mom, you can’t wait for your spouse to get home so you can go have some alone time.  So whatever your situation, here is the solution:

   Sexual Intimacy is just as important as drinking water and eating a healthy meal. Just like you set aside time to eat, unwind, and take that hot bubble bath, you need to also take time to have sexual intimacy with your spouse. See, in my practice I have seen numerous couples turn to wine, beer, sweets, cigarettes, media devices and other unhealthy options when they come home to unwind. But none of those things provide you the physiological benefits are sexual intimacy.  According to a research shared in Prevention magazine, couples burn 69 to 100 calories during intercourse. It also releases endorphins and other chemicals that relax you better than food, drugs, and media devices.

So why is it that couples do not use this great tool to relieve the stress of the day?

Now there are other excuses that I have heard over the years from spouses that try to justify them withholding of sexual intimacy from their spouses. The most common excuse I have heard is that my spouse does not help me around the house.  My spouse does not help me with the dishes, the floors, the laundry, the yard work, the bathroom, and etc. The list of excuses can go on and on. They will say how can I be in the mood to do anything in the bed when I am so overwhelmed with chores?

Ok… first of all, you are right. If your spouse is not helping you around the house, then you have a right to be angry, but you do not have the right to withhold somethings that should be freely given. After all, when you entered a Christian marriage, house chores was not the Biblical foundation for your marriage.

If you were single, you would still have to do chores. Chores is just a part of life. However, sexual intimacy can only be performed under the confines of holy matrimony and the two should NEVER be considered equal. One is an ordinance by God our Creator Himself, while the other is subjective based upon your personal perception. 

IV. Sexual Manipulation

Sexual manipulation is when your spouse uses sexual deprivation to make you more compliant. In the previous situation, there are spouses who will withhold sexual intimacy from their spouse all because he or she does not help them with chores. Should the spouse help with chores? YES! Should a spouse use sexual deprivation as a tool to force their spouse into compliance, NO!  Manipulation has no part in Christian marriage!

Whenever you promise sexual intimacy in exchange for goods or services, you have turned God’s Holy matrimony into a house of prostitution. Just as Christ freely gave Himself for us, we should free give ourselves to our spouses.

If your spouse refuses to engage in sexual intimacy with you, and refuses all advances, then your marriage is in deep trouble, and there is nothing you can do to fix it. See, you cannot fix your spouse. If they continue to walk in disobedience, then they will suffer the consequences of their foolish behavior. It ultimately ends in divorce. And I am going to be real with you. There are spouses out there who intentionally withhold sexual intimacy because they want their mate to divorce them. If  you are such a spouse who internationally is making life difficult so that your spouse will divorce you then legally you are legally guilty of alienation of affection or constructive abandonment, and if there is a divorce proceeding you will lose all your rights and benefits to communal assets and property.

V. Non permissible Sexual Activity

What sexual activity should be off limits? Well, since the Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled, I believe that there are no limits to what a married couple can do. That is between you and your spouse. However, I have limits that I believe align with Holy Scripture:

 Frist, I do not agree with the use of porn. Porneia is mentioned by Jesus in Matthew 19:9 “I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” The word “sexual immorality” in Greek is the word Porneia. Hence, Jesus says it is a sin. So we cannot engage in the use of pornography.

Secondly, I personally do not agree that married couples should use fake prosthetic genitalia of male or female sexual reproductive parts. That in and of itself is a form of adultery, because you are using a prosthesis that is molded in the likeness and fashion of someone else’s body part. This could cause your partner to feel inadequate. A human being cannot compete with a fake prosthesis.

Third, what about self-pleasuring? Is self-pleasuring a go or no go?  Well most people refer to Genesis 8:9 where God kills Onan for spilling his seed on the ground. However, if you read the story the spilling of seed was NOT the reason God killed him. In fact, the mere act of him spilling his seed brings forth a question… How did he know to spill his seed? See, this act of spilling of the seed was a known form of contraception during that time period. So, God killing Onan was not because he spilled his seed. God put him to death because Onan disobeyed the law and did not perform the duty of the brother-in-law because he was  jealous and spiteful that the offspring would not be his.

So let me answer this question. Is self-pleasure a sin within marriage?  I would say in this case it would depend on the situation. Many of you are married to spouses who withhold sex. Just know withholding sex from your spouse is indeed a sin in the eyes of God. So, if you are in a place where your spouse is behaving sinfully, then I would first ask that your spouse perform the act on your behalf. If your spouse refuses, then I would say pray for the lord to give you strength or peace about what you should do. Because as I have said in previously, if you have a spouse who is intentionally withholding sexual intimacy, then there is nothing you can do to change that person’s mind. So you will need to pray about what actions you should tak